In the clouds

Hi yall. Wait, is there anybody there, actually? 

I've always thought I've never had readers coming to my blog. Now that it's 2020, I doubt that many people use bloggers no more. Well, no offends blogger. It's the truth! I think if people likes to read, they still go to blogs or to bloggers that they like, to know how their lives are going and stuff. Waaait, what am I babbling at 2AM today? God, I'm half sleepy, half awake. I spent like an hour watching PewDiePie's videos tonight and more related to AmongUs videos, particularly about CORPSE. Jyeaaah, you know who the freakin' CORPSE is right?! Damn. That voice. Ovaries exploded. Period.

Wait, what's my point in this post? So, new semester has started. My English had gotten worse, I've no idea how it went to that point. So, I started reading again and looking up to dictionary again. God, if you don't use the language much regularly anymore, you could literally lose it, right? We gotta speak and read MORE ENGLISH please, people!! And by people, I mean, me! Anyway!! The point, Aisyah! What is the freakin' point?! 

I've been in the clouds for almost 2 weeks now. You know what I'm talking about? Being in the clouds. It feels like we're high up there and feeling so deep in here. High up in the clouds, thinking and deep inside our soul, feeling. I've been losing myself lately. I do assignments, but not as focused anymore. I know I could become focused again. But, somehow something is holding me back. I know I can focus, but I get distracted by the feeling of somewhat loneliness. Damn. I don't want nobody, no. But, I am not motivated. I need someone to back me up, lift me up. Your girl can do it, she knows she can, but she's high up there now. C'mon help her, will ya?! Anyone? 

I don't know if this just a phase. I got assignments lining up. And you know when I do assignments, I spend long hours and days and days doing it. But lately, I've been thinking so much about the outside world, about the wonders of love and how it'd be amazing to be with someone, or to be lonely together, you know? We don't necessarily need to be together, we could just acknowledge that we need each other so we don't feel as lonely.  I'm listening to Troye Sivan as I'm writing this. What a feel! He's such a vibe. His songs and lyrics are just what EUPHORIA feels like. And that's what I want. What I long for, now. That's my distraction to my focus. I don't know how to fix it. Get a guy? Get any guy? No, it doesn't work that way. Love comes on its own. But, nevertheless, I know what I need. And the universe knows what I need. I hope love will find its way to me. Amin!

I've gained 13 kg

Hello there. 

I'm not going to be writing much today, as I've became super lazy these couple of months that I've gained 13 kg. Since March I've been at home. Online classes started from March, ended in late June 2020, but to some, up until July because of exams and stuff. I've finished classes, assignments and everything on the very last day of June, or 29th, but never touched July 'cause I was determined to settle everything before July arrives. Frankly speaking, I don't like online classes. But, there's not much option. So, we went with it. 

So, I've gained 13 kg. I've become less motivated in life. I'm broke. All I feel right now is I just wanna sleep and wake up and eat, and sleep again. I have no interest in spending money whatsoever 'cause I ain't got nothin' to spend. I also felt fat and lazy. I am a walking pillow, and I always want to lay down. My semester break's gon' end soon, in September and I'll be starting my 2nd year in October 2020, inshaAllah. I really want to lose all 13 kg I've gained, so I'd look like I was in the beginning of March, before PKP started. I not only look fatter, I also feel lazier and unmotivated. I've become particularly stressed about eating 'cause I'm always confused about what to eat to make me feel happy and satisfied, ended up I eat a lot of whatevers in my house and still not feel satisfied. I remember the last couple of weeks, I ate spaghetti bolognese a lot of times, that's when I felt happiest 'cause I was satisfied. But then, I wouldn't want to eat spaghetti everyday of every week. I get bored easily. 

I plan all sorts of things to keep me from eating too much, but I always still eat much. I lost interest in going out because I got lazy to drive. I became less interested to be touched by sunlight and I especially lost interest in sitting and driving 'cause I'd a million times rather lay down on my bed or on the floor and do nothing. It's terrible. I'm terrible. I do chores very minimally thanks to my extra fat, I've become lazier. I feel terrible. These days, when I wake up, I can't wait to go back to sleep again.

Nak kahwin bila?

Baru hari pertama of 2020. Kau baru 25, dah cerita pasal nak kahwin bila? Pa citaaa?

Aku rasa umur 33 tahun ke atas would be really nice to get married. Sorry, Ibu. Sorry, yah. Sorry, bakal suami yang mungkin tak sabar nak kahwin dengan aku. Hahahaha weh, aku tak tau pun siapa bakal suami aku. Pandai-pandai je cakap dia tak sabar nak kahwin dengan aku. Hahaha bongok betul Aisyah. Anyhow, kalau kau tanya aku soalan ni 5 tahun lepas, jawapan aku ialah 25. I wanted to get married at age 25. Tapi sekarang kalau kau tanya aku bila aku nak kahwin? Aku akan jawab 36. 

Aku sebenarnya malas nak ikut the so-called-normal path, the route that everyone's supposedly ought to follow, which is kahwin awal. Actually, kalau kau mampu, kahwinlah awal. Tapi aku, to be honest, aku sangat prefer kahwin bila umur dah meningkat sikit. Kau perasan tak how different is 2019 to 2017? Kau perasan tak? Banyak beza! Teknologi bergerak dengan sangat pantas. Globalisasi semakin merebak, dengan sangat sangat pantas. Dunia makin kecil. Masa bergerak semakin laju. Banyak benda transform quickly.

My point here is, sekarang ni kita berada di era di mana banyak benda sedang mengalami transformasi, pembeharuan dan perubahan, secara gradually. Waktu ini ialah waktu terbaik untuk kita tengok sekeliling, dan belajar sebanyak mungkin daripada apa yang berlaku around us. Focus on what's happening. That's exactly what I'm doing now and that's exactly what I want to be doing for at least another 5 years. Biar aku hidup single sekejap, untuk tahun-tahun kemuncak ni, dan by kemuncak, I mean, era globalisasi. Aku nak tengok dan aku nak rasa evolusi dunia ni, buat masa ni. Kalau aku ada suami dan anak-anak, aku mungkin takkan mempunyai masa sebanyak ni untuk merasai dan menikmati the evolution of this ever-changing world. Jadi, biarkan aku single sebentar. Kepada bakal suami, yang saya tidak tahu pun kewujudan awak, kalau awak sayangkan saya, awak tunggulah saya. Hahaha. Ayat tak boleh blah do. 

Sebenarnya, boleh je kau nak rasa the evolution of world, even kalau kau dah kahwin dan beranak-pinak. Takde masalah. Untuk kau lah. Aku lain. Aku jenis yang tak boleh fokus pada banyak benda dalam masa yang sama. Fokus aku hanya satu, pada satu masa. So, kalau aku nak samakan aku dengan kau, atau kau samakan kau dengan aku, tak boleh do. Kita berbeza. Jadi, tak bolehlah kalau kau nak condemn cara pemikiran aku. Aku pun tak boleh condemn cara pemikiran kau. Aku respect kau punya perspective. Kalau kau nak cakap, 36 tu lambat, terserah. Tapi, itu ialah preference aku. Buat masa ni lah, at least. Kita tengoklah how things will turn out to be and what the future holds. Bilakah Aisyah akan berkahwin? Kita tunggu dan lihat saja. Harapnya aku kahwin lah jugak, at the end of the day. Huhuhu. Amin.

Mana lah tau, kot kot ada orang datang meminang aku tahun ni? Tahun 2020 yang penuh dengan expectations dari tahun 2000? Huhu. Seperti kereta terbang. Eh? Haha. Mana lah tau kannnn? Hahaha mereng do Aisyah. Tadi kata nak kahwin umur 36, tapi boleh pulak kalau orang nak masuk meminang dia sekarang? Huhu, jodoh jangan ditolak, sayangku. Kuikui. Kalau baik, onz saja. Aku sentiasa terbuka untuk peluang. Aku ada pendirian, aku ada preference, tapi aku jugak ada relevance. Aku juga berlogikal. Jadi, tuntasnya, aku bukanlah seorang yang go by the book, strictly. Kita tengok pada keadaan. Macam aku cakap, kita sekarang berada dalam the ever-changing world. Jangan terkejut dengan kezutan, sebab this is 2020. Beware and be prepared.

Jadi, faham kan, point aku? Kenapa wajar aku bersingle pada masa sekarang, dan untuk beberapa tahun lagi. Faham kan? Kalau tak faham, boleh lepak dengan akulah. Kita borak panjang-panjang sampai tak ingat dunia. Kat sini aku bagi point je dan elaboration sikit, tapi kalau depan-depan aku boleh bagi justifications yang lebih banyak. Now tak boleh. Sebab aku sebenarnya nak taip panjang-panjang pun malas. Hahaha. OK, itu saja buat masa ni. Salam 2020!

In the beningging of 2020

Salam, guys. Lama dah aku tak tulis kat blog ni. Dah berhabuk!

Anyways, last post aku ialah pasal aku buat rayuan UPU. So, cuba teka di mana saya sekarang? Jeng jeng jeng, yes! Betul! Universiti lah. Hehehe. Uni mana? Ada lah. Hahaha. Dah nak habis semester 1 dah, baru aku nak cerita. Hahaha. OK, baik. Aku tinggal 2 papers je lagi, inshaAllah. Lepastu habislah semester 1. Weh, jap. Aku lapar. Hahaha. Nak tulis pun macam tak bersemangat sangat. Hahaha tapi nak cerita jugaklah. Alang-alang, aku depan laptop. So, alhamdulillah semester 1 berjalan dengan baik. Ada ups and downs. Ada banyak downs. Tapi, itulah hidup. Syukur seadanya anyhow. 

Aku nak cerita banyak-banyak dari A-Z pun aku malas. Hahaha. Aku move on cakap pasal sekarang je lah, sebab yang dah lepas tu, kita lepaskan je lah. Hahaha. Weh, aku dah 25, weh. I expect good things to come at this age. Amin. At least dapat boyfriend pun OK lah. Hahahaha. Serious talk. Haha. Kalau ada, adalah. Kalau takde pun takpe. Tapi, kalau boleh, ada lah. Aku dah bosan kepishangan single. Hohoho. 

Semalam aku tengok movie Silence of the Lambs (1991), a psychological thriller. Best do! Malam sebelumnya, aku tengok Joker (2019), best jugak! Sebenarnya, aku malas nak baca buku. So, aku tengoklah movies tersebut untuk buat aku berfikir sejenak. Ada kena mengena jugaklah dengan papers yang aku bakal duduki pada 6 Januari nanti. So, sedikit-sebanyak, kira macam aku ada study lah jugak. Hahaha. Boleh lah. Mukadimah. Hehehe. Aku pun ada lah tengok video sikit-sikit pasal paper 7 Januari nanti. Moga Allah rajinkan diri aku ni untuk baca buku! Huhuhu.

Weh, aku tak tau do nak cerita apa. Keadaan agak tenang sekarang, tapi tak sangat. Selagi ada hutang (paper exam), selagi tu lah hati tak tenang. Tak sabar nak habis exam. Aku actually ada banyak cerita nak story, tapi aku malas type. 

Jadi itu je lah buat masa ini. Selamat 2020!